“If I’m Here Next Year”

When most people describe loved ones they will do so with gusto and greatness to describe how unique they are. My grandmother Mary Rutkowski was just like any other person. Mary was a 94 year old Croatian woman who was deeply religious, didn’t like swear words, and drank tea for breakfast while reading the newspaper. She was a tad funny as well and did her fair amount of complaining like everyone and even joked about how old she was by saying “If I’m here next year…”. In early January 2020, my grandmother was diagnosed with Dementia. A group of conditions such as memory loss, loss of daily function, and cognitive decline, and much more. Doctors had said that knowing someone with Dementia is like a long goodbye. You watch the person you know slowly depart and change until that person looks does not recognize you anymore as if its a goodbye. However, for our situation, the long goodbye turned into a quick parting. December 2020, Mary passed away alone due to the vicious corona virus. Mary was an 94 year old widower who lived alone in a big house prior to when the global pandemic kicked off. While her entire world and herself was changing, one thing stayed constant. The sinking and dark feeling of loneliness followed her when she was moved into an assisted living home until her death.

Creating virtual scenes or environments is just the foundation for my work. There is a certain connection between memories that can be represented as environments that is present that I explore through my work. The mind itself is a complex organism that houses all these memories and it awaits us to mentally open the door and enter into the memory. However, as memories go it could be difficult to recall perfectly to the exact detail of a memory in which results in the overall essence of remembrance of a memory. The use of stage theater style lighting in my work is similar to using a flashlight to illuminate in search for something in the dark. The passing of my Grandmother in the winter of 2020 due to the corona virus now propels my work to depict my relationship to her, shared memories, and the last moments of her life dealing with dementia and the loneliness of isolation both mentally and physically. As she used to say “If I’m here next year…” until one year, she wasn’t.